Once a friend of mine asked me, "Do you eat to live or do you live to eat?". I quickly replied "Of course I live to eat!" and I was smiling widely and beaming with pride even though I didn't know what the hell I was proud of. I love eating so much that I was assured that I was born to eat. Eating makes me happy. Food adds color to my days. I was proudly claiming myself as a food addict and I thought it was sort of cute. Food lover. Food addict. Foodie. That's me. Little did I know that the word "food addict" could be destructive.
One night everything was changed. The thought of food drove me crazy. I was constantly thinking about food, food and more food. I was binge eating. I went through the kitchen cupboards to find something to eat even when I wasn't hungry at all. It was like I was in a battle with food, more like "attack your food or it will attack you". In this case the food was "attacking" me in the mind. You won't believe what I did. I could eat a Nestle's Cooking Chocolate, which was supposed to be cooked first. Well it was supposed to be my baking supply. I could eat a jar of Nuttela. If you think that's not weird enough, I could eat a jar of peanut butter too! I could eat a box of cereal in one night. I could eat everything edible I saw. Believe me. I ate without tasting them. I just ate and ate. The only thing that could stop me was when there was no food left. My trick was I always dump the rest of the food I was eating in the bin so that I don't finish the whole thing. Before chucking them in the trash bin, I always made sure that I trashed them by putting some tissues or papers in the food so that I wouldn't pick it up again from the bin.
Refer to the scene of Miranda from Sex And The City where she was obsessed with eating brownies! She did take the brownies from the bin. It was so bad that I was so depressed. I couldn't stop even when I felt so sick from eating too much.
Desperate, I typed "How to stop eating" and "How to stop thinking about food" in the Google search box. I was relieved when I found out that I wasn't the only one. I found lots of forums with the same questions and there were many of them! Soon the feeling of relieved was gone when I read further about the matter. It all boiled down to this:
"Compulsive Overeating Disorder" and
"Binge Eating Disorder". It was said in Wikipedia that they're different but I can't see how different since they all come hand in hand. All of the symptoms stated (taken from Wikipedia) were describing what I had been experiencing :
1.
Binge eating, or eating uncontrollably even when not physically hungry.
2. Eating much more rapidly than normal.
3. Eating alone due to shame and embarrassment.
4.
Feelings of guilt due to overeating.
5.
Preoccupation with body weight.
6.
Depression or mood swing.
7.
Awareness that eating patterns are abnormal.
8. Rapid weight gain or sudden onset of obesity.
9. Significantly decreased mobility due to weight gain.
10.
History of weight fluctuation.
11. Withdrawal from activities due to embarrassment about weight.
12.
History of many different unsuccessful diets.
13. Eating little in public, but maintaining a high body weight.
14.
Very low self-esteem and feeling need to eat greater and greater amounts.
I had a quick read for an article in Wikipedia of what triggers overeating. I even bought a boring book called "The End of Overeating". I didn't get it really clear of what causes it since I hate things related to Biology. For all I know, it has something to do with the reward system in the brain and the abnormality of endorphin metabolism. Some also argues it is due to excessive neurological sensitivity in taste and/or smell.
The bad news is: in some way,
food addicts are much more difficult to recover compared to drug addicts. There is a saying in "Overeaters Anonymous": "
when you are addicted to drugs, you put the tiger in the cage to recover; when you are addicted to food you put the tiger in the cage but take it out three times a day for a walk"
"Overeaters Anonymous" is a twelve-step program designed to help people dealing with the food problem. It observes compulsive eating as a three-fold illness: physical, mental and spiritual. It states that in the mental dimension a compulsive eater is expressing an "inner hunger". In the recovery process, there is a need for changes of view to all members of OA. On the very first thing, OA always states, "... we are not a diet and calories club". The beliefs that needs to be altered are:
1.
"It is bad to eat" to
"One must eat to stay alive and should not feel guilty about it"
2.
"One is simply overweight and needs to lose weight" to
"One has underlying psychological and interpersonal problems"
3.
"One must deprecate oneself, deprive oneself and take care of one's needs" to
"It is okay to express positive feelings about oneself and take care others' needs"
4.
"Food is the answer to all problems, the source of solace" to "
Psychological and emotional needs should be fulfilled in relationships with people".
5.
"I am a person who eats uncontrollably" to
"I am someone who has limitations and does not eat what is harmful for me"
My weight scale had been one hell of a roller coaster ride. People constantly tell me I'm fat, I'm slim, or I'm too thin from time to time. Even during some period when I am able in keeping my weight stable, people always label me differently: "you're fat" or "you're thin". No wonder that the ideal body image in my mind is distorted.
How fat is too fat? How thin is too thin?" I never get it clear.
That fluctuation on my weight scale is due to the constant battle against my own weight. I tried so many diet programs. Some failed and some succeeded. I deprived myself from eating. I starved myself until I became dumb and couldn't think properly. I was hardly satisfied with my own body.
When I'm on a diet, I deprive myself from eating. The deprivation leads me into thinking more about food excessively. Whenever I see food, I always think of how that would taste like in my mouth. I spent way a lot of time being on a diet, thus I spent way a lot of time too thinking about food. So when I finished the diet programs successfully, I did not just lose the unwanted kilos. I've lost control over food unconsciously.
It's true that after successful diet programs, I was happy with myself in a new body. But just like the joy of food, the feeling was ephemeral. Once I saw food, I couldn't stop thinking about it until the food was gone. I kept eating much more uncontrollably. I had much less control over food than before. I hated myself for having no self-control. I tried to make myself believe that I still had self-control by trying to compensate the calories consumed with drinking diuretic slimming tea. It went on and on just like a downward spiral to self-destruction. I loathed myself, especially when I was binge eating with a mouthful of Domino's Pizzas and the TV showed "20 Sexiest Bikini Bodies". It was one of the worst feelings in the world.
I know this has got to end. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a fierce losing battle with food. If this goes on like this, I've got a bad feeling I'd be dying from this illness. I know I'd rather be making peace with food and build a healthy relationship with it. You know "War is over... if you want it" (Lennon) and I've decided to end it. Just like cleaning up the mess of any war, it is not easy for me to make peace with food either.
It may sound bizarrely stupid but I hope that writing this can help me too:
I will try not to be affected when people say I am fat and need to lose weight.
I will try not to be affected when people say I am thin and need to gain weight.
For I will have my own healthy body image in which I am comfortable with.
When those who think I am fat offering me some food and I decline, I will try not to get sick of all the people asking, "Are you on a diet?", "What kind of a diet are you on?", or "Are you trying to lose weight?".
I will try not to get sick of answering, "No, thanks, I've had my lunch".
And when they started to shove me with more food, I will not cave in.
And if they still keep provoking me to eat, I will try not to feel like biting their faces.
When they say "Geez, you're on a diet, are you? You're always on a diet" and shaking their heads, I will try not to feel like eating up their heads.
And I will say to them, "No, I'm not on a diet. I am CHANGING my lifestyle, I am trying to liberate myself from the food slavery".
When I go eating and they see my portion of meal, I know they'll comment differently.
For one would say "Gosh you eat so little, are you on a diet?"
I would answer, "Hell no, I'm not, it's just enough to make me full".
For one would say, "Gosh, you eat to much, don't you feel fat?"
I would answer, "Hell no, I'm not, it's enough to feed my hunger away".
You know how we are created in different shapes and sizes? We too have different metabolism! A piece of cake may not make a lucky bastard gain one kilo, but it may make one unfortunate person gain one kilo.
I will try not to say "I am on a diet" anymore. Instead, I am going to say, "I am changing my lifestyle". For the word "diet" itself has been all the roots to all this mess I've created. Yes, my friend,
say "diet" no more for it starts with "D-I-E".
I will learn to distinguish the feeling of full or hungry. It may sound stupid but I'm losing the ability to sense them.
When I go hitting the gym, that's because I want to be healthy, not to lose weight.
To cut it short, I am changing my focus on
"being skinny" to
"being healthy". I know there are going to be some setbacks await me in the future. And when they come, I'll try my best not to hate myself for I still believe that there will be days when I am healthy and free from all these chains. For I believe that there will be days when I eat to live. Amen!
