I was born and raised in a country where religion is just mandatory to be put in almost every ID : citizenship cards, family cards or even in grade school reports. So it's kind of weird if one doesn't have any. It seems that we are programmed to have some religions.
My dad and his family claimed themselves as Buddhists. Well I think they were more like Confucians. Here I found most people get mixed up: Buddhism and Confucianism are two different things. Well I don't really know how different but from what I've learned, Buddhists believe in Siddhartha Gautama and Nibbana (Nirvana). While Confucianism is more like a philosophy and old traditions. Buddhists go to Vihara, Confucians go to temples. Buddhists hold on to their principles of Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. Confucians pray to old ancestors and some other Gods like Guan Yin (Dewi Kwan Im). I learned Buddhism for 6 years in my elementary school so I hope I'm getting this right. Confucianism is not claimed as one of the official religions in Indonesia so maybe because of that most of them are declaring themselves as Buddhists.
Okay back to the background of my family's belief. Most of my dad's family have some altars in their houses: a table with some red lights, some pictures of the deceased ancestors, some fruits or food and some candle sticks. I remembered seeing my grandma and uncles did some praying there. I did it too during special occasions like Chinese New Years and to be honest it was creeping me out a bit because I've never known anyone in the pictures so I didn't know what to say. I was afraid of saying things that were not supposed to be said. But then grandma told me that I could say it in my head. By then I got scared of just thinking about anything. I felt like they're judging me and would take me to their dead world for punishment.
When I was a little bit older, I asked my grandma about Jesus, Guan Yin (Dewi Kwan Im), The Laughing Buddha (the one with big belly), Confucius (the thin one with long black beard) and Buddha (Gautama). She told me that every religion is good : Buddhism, Hinduism, Christian, Moslem, Catholic or whatever - they're all the same. I remembered she used this analogy : "If you want to go to Malang (from Tumpang), you can go past Pakis or Sawojajar - up to you. That goes the same thing with religions. They're all friends with each other up there. So be a good girl - do no harm to others and listen to what your parents say". I still have a clear picture in my head of how I imagined Jesus, Guan Yin, Confucius and Buddha were holding hands and smiling. It was one happy picture that I had.
During my childhood, I spent my days playing and studying. Religion is not a big deal in my family. We didn't have to go to Vihara or temples regularly and we didn't condemn each other in the family who didn't go. There was just no talks about it. We understood some Moslem workers had to pray several times a day. I did see my house maids praying while I was in the room with them - playing with my toys. It's just the things they had to do for what they believed in and we totally respected it.
Junior high school. I was introduced to Catholic. It's a compulsory subject in the school so I learned about it. We went to church once in a month I think. I became best friends with Sylvia and sometimes I would go to church just to accompany her.
High school. I was getting more familiar with Catholic. You know as we grow older, problems start to keep arising. I was getting more and more into Catholic and started to have some faith. When times were hard, I would just go to church and pray. I even experimented by going to Christian's churches without my dad's knowing. He didn't want me to be a Christian just because he thinks that most Christians are fanatics and out of their minds. Well I said no comments about that - who am I to judge? My faith grew stronger. I prayed everyday. I was very much in love with my boyfriend at that time that I kept on praying for our relationship and him. I got depressed and I turned to God. Being in the church just gave me some senses of "someone BIG out there named Jesus is taking care of you" - so I worried less.
Until one night. After several disappointments, I started questioning about Jesus. I questioned everything. I realized that I had been believing in Jesus just because others around me were believing in Him. I browsed in the internet for hours and got nothing. Everything was referred back to The Bible while all that I wanted was some unbiased references. I came across so many anti-Jesus websites and I got really confused. I didn't remember what I typed in the Google engine but I remembered I was not satisfied with all the evidences I've tried to collect about the existence of Jesus historically. To my surprise, the real evidences that I got satisfied with was the story of Siddhartha Gautama. Well I really couldn't sleep that night. I woke up my mom just to ask her a question about Jesus. She's once a fanatic Christian but because of my dad - she never talks about Christian or Jesus. I asked her if Jesus does exist and she said of course yes. I bombarded her with so many questions that I can't remember now. I remembered she said nothing. Maybe she didn't really know how to answer or maybe she was just sleepy. In just one night, my faith was crashed and burnt.
I started to get to know more about religions. I got sick of them. I found so many useless forums debating over Christian and Moslems. The debate of how Christians condemn those Buddhists people who worship statues. I got sick of Christian people telling me that going to Gunung Kawi temple is SINFUL. I constantly found some Christian people told me bad things about Catholic. I hated it when Christian people told me that Mother Mary was no Saint or no God or no Holy Mother - that I only had to pray to one God - Jesus. And if I pray to Mother Mary, I was just plain sinful. Even Christians people tell other Christians from different church is wrong. There are a lot of types of Christianity. I got tired of seeing my mom got judgmental questions "Are you still going to the church? Are you still serving GOD? Come on you have to go to church" - my mom would just turned her head down and said nothing. You know the perfect picture I had when I was a kid about those Gods holding their hands to each other - that's bullshit. That was a beautiful dream I had and I just woke up. In reality, some Gods are indeed peaceful and do nothing about different point of views - some Gods just can't help bitching about others. Well maybe it was the people representing their Gods and they make it like their Gods were like that. Well I don't care anyway. But it's the reality. That's the message I got.
My mother was raised in a Christian family. I constantly got questioned about my belief too by the family from my mom. There were times when I got asked if I believed in Jesus - I said no. They were like so much in shock. They asked me why oh why. I said well I just couldn't because I had to see some real historical evidences. How can I believe in something that I don't know if it's true or not? I asked so many questions about Jesus and stuff to my uncle and he couldn't give me any answers. And believe me, he got three people from his church coming to my house just to have me converted to Christian. I was gladly welcoming them and I questioned so many things about it - and again, they referred back to the Bible. They just couldn't shut up. They just blabbered proudly about how The Bible was made from different people but they delivered the same meanings - well I thought "How do you know? They could be the people who were just lucky for not getting busted for all the conspiracy they've made". I asked them about some scriptures that was claimed as lies - what base did they use for considering them as wrong? These three people were just so clever that they made me forget what my question was - leaving me more confused than ever. There was this one particular answer leaving me shut up "Well you know you cannot see things with your nose. You cannot feel how rough my skin is with your ears. You cannot listen to music with your eyes. And that's how faith works. It needs another sense". They got me and I was like "Really? What kind of sense? Sixth sense? Do I have it?". I asked them how I can get the extraordinary sense, they told me to open up my heart.
One night my passport was lost. I needed it to buy a flight ticket back to Melbourne. I had my mom and my housemaid helping me out looking for it until 3 o'clock in the morning. It wasn't found. I broke down in tears and asked my mom "Does God really exist? If He does, show me my passport and I would believe in God!". The next day, magic happened. The passport was then simply lying on my desk. We've gone through the desk like hundreds of times and it wasn't there last night! The hair of the back of my neck stood up. My mom just said "See, God really does exist" and she shared the story to my aunties and uncles. While my dad believed it was just a ghost teasing me. It was quite a turning point for me. I started to have my faith back. I started to believe in Jesus again.
I started going to church. I have so many friends who went to church. I went to pray every Fridays and got involved in some Sunday services. To be honest, I was still in constant refutations with myself. I was still searching. Well even though I was still in search, I know one thing that I always believe in : it's kindness. And one thing that made me believe in Christian is how great my friends were. Some of them were really good hearted. Let's name one of them : Yulia. I knew her and she had changed since she turned to Christian. She's just one amazing person who's always there when everybody needs her.
A visit to a hospital did some damage again to the faith that I had built. I was unwell and I went to hospital because it was public holiday and there was no doctor around. In the reception desk, I was asked my name, my address, my date of birth... but then "religion?". I panicked. I didn't know what religion I was. I couldn't say I was Christian because it was just not right. I felt like the receptionist looked at me like a fool for being confused. Well I was confused why I should declare my religion at that time! To end the weird look on the receptionist's face, I blurted and I said that I was a Buddhist. I was quite in a disbelief. Why did I say that? Then I got to think that deep down inside my heart, I wasn't really a Christian. I was forcing myself to become one. I wasn't a Buddhist either because I didn't go to Vihara to pray. I felt like I didn't belong to any of the religion group. I felt like I was a misfit. An outcast.
For all those times going to church and praying, I tried really hard to believe - they say I need to open up my heart? Well it sounds stupid but I didn't really know how to open my heart. I didn't really know why but I just couldn't feel anything that those people told stories of how they were called by Jesus, how they heard God's voices. I NEVER had any of those. Those things just don't suit my whole belief system.
Then I went to go on a road trip with my friends. I was in a car with a Christian friend and a Buddhist friend. They were quite fanatics for what they believe in. I was sitting at the back. I was sleeping and when I woke up, they were debating over religions. I wasn't taking any side but I agreed a bit with my Buddhist friend - simply because he backed up Moslem even though he was not one. I joined the conversation and I told my Christian friend that I didn't have any belief in particular religion - I just take what's good from each religion. He then encouraged me to keep looking and find one that suits me.
Well, what if there's none that suits me? Why should I find one? What if I don't want to have any religion? Some people say "If you don't have any religion - when you die - where are you going? You will be judged based on what you believe. Aren't you scared?". To be honest, at this point I don't care. I don't really care about heavens and hells. I don't care if they really exist or not. The fact is religions were the ones who had been doing damages to humanity - wars.
Sometimes I wish I was like them - the ones with faith, the ones who don't question everything, the ones who just accepts the beliefs without any doubts. I don't have any of that. I can't close my mind and read The Bible and become a blind follower. That's just not right for me.
Some people were born with faith, some people were not. I don't know if I was lucky or unlucky to be one with no faith to religions. You know how debate over religion never ends : those who believe in some particular religion consider those atheists need to be saved, while those atheists think they're lucky that they're not brainwashed.
I once told Ayu about this faith thing and she gave me some quotes from "The Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown : "Faith is a gift I have yet to receive". That's a good one. Maybe someday I would receive that gift. If I do, I would definitely share in this blog. But at this time, I have no religion - but I DO believe in God or any higher power. It's not specifically Jesus, Buddha, Confucius or Guan Yin or anything. It's just God. I believe that this universe was not built out from nothing. I am declaring myself as Agnostic.
Well if I don't receive that gift of faith until I die, maybe I would get scared of where I would be going. If I die someday, just do whatever prayers you want to pray I don't care as long as it's good. I'd like to be cremated because I don't want to be another burden to the environment. I'm dead anyway I won't feel a thing if I get burnt.
A GREAT video clip by REM - Losing My Religion
“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.”
Jonathan Swift quotes
Dalai Lama quotes
My dad and his family claimed themselves as Buddhists. Well I think they were more like Confucians. Here I found most people get mixed up: Buddhism and Confucianism are two different things. Well I don't really know how different but from what I've learned, Buddhists believe in Siddhartha Gautama and Nibbana (Nirvana). While Confucianism is more like a philosophy and old traditions. Buddhists go to Vihara, Confucians go to temples. Buddhists hold on to their principles of Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. Confucians pray to old ancestors and some other Gods like Guan Yin (Dewi Kwan Im). I learned Buddhism for 6 years in my elementary school so I hope I'm getting this right. Confucianism is not claimed as one of the official religions in Indonesia so maybe because of that most of them are declaring themselves as Buddhists.
Okay back to the background of my family's belief. Most of my dad's family have some altars in their houses: a table with some red lights, some pictures of the deceased ancestors, some fruits or food and some candle sticks. I remembered seeing my grandma and uncles did some praying there. I did it too during special occasions like Chinese New Years and to be honest it was creeping me out a bit because I've never known anyone in the pictures so I didn't know what to say. I was afraid of saying things that were not supposed to be said. But then grandma told me that I could say it in my head. By then I got scared of just thinking about anything. I felt like they're judging me and would take me to their dead world for punishment.
When I was a little bit older, I asked my grandma about Jesus, Guan Yin (Dewi Kwan Im), The Laughing Buddha (the one with big belly), Confucius (the thin one with long black beard) and Buddha (Gautama). She told me that every religion is good : Buddhism, Hinduism, Christian, Moslem, Catholic or whatever - they're all the same. I remembered she used this analogy : "If you want to go to Malang (from Tumpang), you can go past Pakis or Sawojajar - up to you. That goes the same thing with religions. They're all friends with each other up there. So be a good girl - do no harm to others and listen to what your parents say". I still have a clear picture in my head of how I imagined Jesus, Guan Yin, Confucius and Buddha were holding hands and smiling. It was one happy picture that I had.
During my childhood, I spent my days playing and studying. Religion is not a big deal in my family. We didn't have to go to Vihara or temples regularly and we didn't condemn each other in the family who didn't go. There was just no talks about it. We understood some Moslem workers had to pray several times a day. I did see my house maids praying while I was in the room with them - playing with my toys. It's just the things they had to do for what they believed in and we totally respected it.
Junior high school. I was introduced to Catholic. It's a compulsory subject in the school so I learned about it. We went to church once in a month I think. I became best friends with Sylvia and sometimes I would go to church just to accompany her.
High school. I was getting more familiar with Catholic. You know as we grow older, problems start to keep arising. I was getting more and more into Catholic and started to have some faith. When times were hard, I would just go to church and pray. I even experimented by going to Christian's churches without my dad's knowing. He didn't want me to be a Christian just because he thinks that most Christians are fanatics and out of their minds. Well I said no comments about that - who am I to judge? My faith grew stronger. I prayed everyday. I was very much in love with my boyfriend at that time that I kept on praying for our relationship and him. I got depressed and I turned to God. Being in the church just gave me some senses of "someone BIG out there named Jesus is taking care of you" - so I worried less.
Until one night. After several disappointments, I started questioning about Jesus. I questioned everything. I realized that I had been believing in Jesus just because others around me were believing in Him. I browsed in the internet for hours and got nothing. Everything was referred back to The Bible while all that I wanted was some unbiased references. I came across so many anti-Jesus websites and I got really confused. I didn't remember what I typed in the Google engine but I remembered I was not satisfied with all the evidences I've tried to collect about the existence of Jesus historically. To my surprise, the real evidences that I got satisfied with was the story of Siddhartha Gautama. Well I really couldn't sleep that night. I woke up my mom just to ask her a question about Jesus. She's once a fanatic Christian but because of my dad - she never talks about Christian or Jesus. I asked her if Jesus does exist and she said of course yes. I bombarded her with so many questions that I can't remember now. I remembered she said nothing. Maybe she didn't really know how to answer or maybe she was just sleepy. In just one night, my faith was crashed and burnt.
I started to get to know more about religions. I got sick of them. I found so many useless forums debating over Christian and Moslems. The debate of how Christians condemn those Buddhists people who worship statues. I got sick of Christian people telling me that going to Gunung Kawi temple is SINFUL. I constantly found some Christian people told me bad things about Catholic. I hated it when Christian people told me that Mother Mary was no Saint or no God or no Holy Mother - that I only had to pray to one God - Jesus. And if I pray to Mother Mary, I was just plain sinful. Even Christians people tell other Christians from different church is wrong. There are a lot of types of Christianity. I got tired of seeing my mom got judgmental questions "Are you still going to the church? Are you still serving GOD? Come on you have to go to church" - my mom would just turned her head down and said nothing. You know the perfect picture I had when I was a kid about those Gods holding their hands to each other - that's bullshit. That was a beautiful dream I had and I just woke up. In reality, some Gods are indeed peaceful and do nothing about different point of views - some Gods just can't help bitching about others. Well maybe it was the people representing their Gods and they make it like their Gods were like that. Well I don't care anyway. But it's the reality. That's the message I got.
My mother was raised in a Christian family. I constantly got questioned about my belief too by the family from my mom. There were times when I got asked if I believed in Jesus - I said no. They were like so much in shock. They asked me why oh why. I said well I just couldn't because I had to see some real historical evidences. How can I believe in something that I don't know if it's true or not? I asked so many questions about Jesus and stuff to my uncle and he couldn't give me any answers. And believe me, he got three people from his church coming to my house just to have me converted to Christian. I was gladly welcoming them and I questioned so many things about it - and again, they referred back to the Bible. They just couldn't shut up. They just blabbered proudly about how The Bible was made from different people but they delivered the same meanings - well I thought "How do you know? They could be the people who were just lucky for not getting busted for all the conspiracy they've made". I asked them about some scriptures that was claimed as lies - what base did they use for considering them as wrong? These three people were just so clever that they made me forget what my question was - leaving me more confused than ever. There was this one particular answer leaving me shut up "Well you know you cannot see things with your nose. You cannot feel how rough my skin is with your ears. You cannot listen to music with your eyes. And that's how faith works. It needs another sense". They got me and I was like "Really? What kind of sense? Sixth sense? Do I have it?". I asked them how I can get the extraordinary sense, they told me to open up my heart.
One night my passport was lost. I needed it to buy a flight ticket back to Melbourne. I had my mom and my housemaid helping me out looking for it until 3 o'clock in the morning. It wasn't found. I broke down in tears and asked my mom "Does God really exist? If He does, show me my passport and I would believe in God!". The next day, magic happened. The passport was then simply lying on my desk. We've gone through the desk like hundreds of times and it wasn't there last night! The hair of the back of my neck stood up. My mom just said "See, God really does exist" and she shared the story to my aunties and uncles. While my dad believed it was just a ghost teasing me. It was quite a turning point for me. I started to have my faith back. I started to believe in Jesus again.
I started going to church. I have so many friends who went to church. I went to pray every Fridays and got involved in some Sunday services. To be honest, I was still in constant refutations with myself. I was still searching. Well even though I was still in search, I know one thing that I always believe in : it's kindness. And one thing that made me believe in Christian is how great my friends were. Some of them were really good hearted. Let's name one of them : Yulia. I knew her and she had changed since she turned to Christian. She's just one amazing person who's always there when everybody needs her.
A visit to a hospital did some damage again to the faith that I had built. I was unwell and I went to hospital because it was public holiday and there was no doctor around. In the reception desk, I was asked my name, my address, my date of birth... but then "religion?". I panicked. I didn't know what religion I was. I couldn't say I was Christian because it was just not right. I felt like the receptionist looked at me like a fool for being confused. Well I was confused why I should declare my religion at that time! To end the weird look on the receptionist's face, I blurted and I said that I was a Buddhist. I was quite in a disbelief. Why did I say that? Then I got to think that deep down inside my heart, I wasn't really a Christian. I was forcing myself to become one. I wasn't a Buddhist either because I didn't go to Vihara to pray. I felt like I didn't belong to any of the religion group. I felt like I was a misfit. An outcast.
For all those times going to church and praying, I tried really hard to believe - they say I need to open up my heart? Well it sounds stupid but I didn't really know how to open my heart. I didn't really know why but I just couldn't feel anything that those people told stories of how they were called by Jesus, how they heard God's voices. I NEVER had any of those. Those things just don't suit my whole belief system.
Then I went to go on a road trip with my friends. I was in a car with a Christian friend and a Buddhist friend. They were quite fanatics for what they believe in. I was sitting at the back. I was sleeping and when I woke up, they were debating over religions. I wasn't taking any side but I agreed a bit with my Buddhist friend - simply because he backed up Moslem even though he was not one. I joined the conversation and I told my Christian friend that I didn't have any belief in particular religion - I just take what's good from each religion. He then encouraged me to keep looking and find one that suits me.
Well, what if there's none that suits me? Why should I find one? What if I don't want to have any religion? Some people say "If you don't have any religion - when you die - where are you going? You will be judged based on what you believe. Aren't you scared?". To be honest, at this point I don't care. I don't really care about heavens and hells. I don't care if they really exist or not. The fact is religions were the ones who had been doing damages to humanity - wars.
Sometimes I wish I was like them - the ones with faith, the ones who don't question everything, the ones who just accepts the beliefs without any doubts. I don't have any of that. I can't close my mind and read The Bible and become a blind follower. That's just not right for me.
Some people were born with faith, some people were not. I don't know if I was lucky or unlucky to be one with no faith to religions. You know how debate over religion never ends : those who believe in some particular religion consider those atheists need to be saved, while those atheists think they're lucky that they're not brainwashed.
I once told Ayu about this faith thing and she gave me some quotes from "The Angels & Demons" by Dan Brown : "Faith is a gift I have yet to receive". That's a good one. Maybe someday I would receive that gift. If I do, I would definitely share in this blog. But at this time, I have no religion - but I DO believe in God or any higher power. It's not specifically Jesus, Buddha, Confucius or Guan Yin or anything. It's just God. I believe that this universe was not built out from nothing. I am declaring myself as Agnostic.
Well if I don't receive that gift of faith until I die, maybe I would get scared of where I would be going. If I die someday, just do whatever prayers you want to pray I don't care as long as it's good. I'd like to be cremated because I don't want to be another burden to the environment. I'm dead anyway I won't feel a thing if I get burnt.
A GREAT video clip by REM - Losing My Religion
“We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love one another.”
Jonathan Swift quotes “Eskimo: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" Priest: "No, not if you did not know." Eskimo: "Then why did you tell me?"” Annie Dillard quotes
Annie Dillard quotes “Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is.” Mahatma Gandhi quotes
“If you have a particular faith or religion, that is good. But you can survive without it.” Mahatma Gandhi quotes Dalai Lama quotes“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off”
Stephen King quotes
Stephen King quotes
“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” Dalai Lama quotes
Dalai Lama quotes | Doubt is part of all religion. All the religious thinkers were doubters.” | |
