I spent my childhood as a fat kid. I am dead serious when I wrote "fat". I was seriously fat.
Whenever my uncle saw me, he would just catch me and wouldn't let me go until I said "Okay I am ugly, too-tall, fat, have big butt and rotten teeth, chubby". I was saying it in Javanese : "elek, genter, gendut, semok, geges, lemu."
I wasn't offended at all or had any hard feelings about it 'cause I know he was just teasing me.
I was called "the Mother of all KingKong". There were other "KingKongs" too but apparently I was the fattest, so I got the honor to be the "mother". Whenever the boys teased me with the other kingkong friends, we'd chase them. Once we got them, we'd punch, slap and pinch them. The louder they screamed from hurting, the happier we were (or maybe it was just me?). *grin*. Don't take this the wrong way, I was and am NOT into sadism or masochism or both. It was just another stupid thrill every child got from any chasing games. The boys that we tortured were actually happy and they seemed to enjoy it too. And they're not into S&M!
Of course there were times I was feeling humiliated. Body weighing at school had always given me nightmares. I secretly hoped that we would be weighed individually and secretly, without no other kids watching how heavy I was.
Everybody laughed at me when I fell down from playing roller blade. There was this one stinky security guard laughed so hard and said ugly things about my bum and I was really annoyed. Fuck him. So I ended up playing roller blade in my own house, leaving scratches on the tile floor but who cares? Okay my mom cared about the scratches but I and my sister did NOT.
My dad would say ugly things about my weight too and I would cry under my pillow. Fell asleep but then forgot about it completely the next day. The worst thing was that my dad kept feeding me with lots of food but then scolded at me at the same time. There. I was trapped in a world of "come-on-let's-eat-this-and-that" and got thrown back into the world of "you're-so-damn-fat-no-boys-like-you-useless-fat-slob" then into the world of "those-sayings-are-just-to-make-you-better". It just kept going full circle.
Well maybe it all make sense when it was for the 12 years old who weighed 66kgs. Yep I was 66 kgs.
Then I started to get obsessed with Backstreet Boys.
I started to watch MTV.
I started to feel envious to the skinny girls shaking their booties on MTV.
I got busy for junior high school things.
I skipped meals.
Then everyone started to say I lost some weight.
I weighed myself and I lost 10 kilos!
There.
It was the point where I got obsessed with my own body weight.
I constantly weighed myself before and after meal. Of course to get depressed after meal.
I didn't remember quite clearly when and why but there were times I really lost the appetite to eat.
I kept losing the weight and some teachers got concerned about it.
I used to be in top 10 in class (in terms of academic, NOT weight!).
But ever since then, I was out.
Apparently not eating food makes people dumber. It's true!
I was dumber.
(Geez, writing this makes me think "was I anorexic at that time? I really didn't have the appetite to eat!")
Then I got sick and hospitalized for a month (not because I was anorexic, but because I was infected with typhus). Everyone in the family protested and forced me to eat. I ate and ate and ate because I was really afraid to die at that time. There was one night where I had this creepy dream that I was dying, surrounded with panic nurses and crying family behind them hoping for me not to die. It was one hell of a dream. So I started to eat normally and got recovered.
I kept struggling with dieting and eating food.
Until now.
I am still obsessed with my own weight. Or maybe worse.
I tried so many kind of diets.
3-day-diet
mayo diet
lemon detox diet
milk shake diet
cabbage soup diet
steamed food diet
grapefruit diet
I even bought the stupid Slimmist which was advertised on Oprah (it's a kind of spray that's believed to have the power to curb your appetite, and an inhaler - each time you feel hungry, just inhale it and the hungry is gone). That didn't work at all!
I thought of smoking cause I heard that smoking makes you look skinner (i know it's muscle but the skinny things intrigued me)
I passed this thought to some friends of mine and I got yelled.
They asked me "Why do you want to smoke?"
I said "Cause I want to look skinny"
Then a friend of mine who also smokes said "Well that's stupid"
I asked him "Why did you start to smoke?"
He replied "Because my friends were smokers and I wanted to socialize"
I was thinking nothing. Blank mind.
Until another friend of mine snapped "You both are stupid".
Thank God for that! We both needed the word "stupid" to shake us out of the "Smoking World"
We were indeed being stupid. Smoking is stoopid.
I know I am not alone in this body weight obsession things. In fact, almost every girl I know has this obsession. The girls who eat and eat but then complain and complain about too much food. I do it all the time too. I shove my mouth with fatty foods one day and jumped on cardio for hours the next day, regretting all the foods I ate the day before. I am really hoping to escape this whole food and dieting things. But how? OKAY I know it's simple. Reduce your calories intake and hit the gym! It's just so hard!
I keep stuffing food to my mouth but I never stop believing that there is a skinny girl inside of me - waiting to come out from the fats.
And I am looking for something to blame it on. Televisions? Advertisings? Internet? Or even my childhood?
...........................................
Or maybe it's just that I am afraid of blaming it on myself.
Whenever my uncle saw me, he would just catch me and wouldn't let me go until I said "Okay I am ugly, too-tall, fat, have big butt and rotten teeth, chubby". I was saying it in Javanese : "elek, genter, gendut, semok, geges, lemu."
I wasn't offended at all or had any hard feelings about it 'cause I know he was just teasing me.
I was called "the Mother of all KingKong". There were other "KingKongs" too but apparently I was the fattest, so I got the honor to be the "mother". Whenever the boys teased me with the other kingkong friends, we'd chase them. Once we got them, we'd punch, slap and pinch them. The louder they screamed from hurting, the happier we were (or maybe it was just me?). *grin*. Don't take this the wrong way, I was and am NOT into sadism or masochism or both. It was just another stupid thrill every child got from any chasing games. The boys that we tortured were actually happy and they seemed to enjoy it too. And they're not into S&M!
Of course there were times I was feeling humiliated. Body weighing at school had always given me nightmares. I secretly hoped that we would be weighed individually and secretly, without no other kids watching how heavy I was.
Everybody laughed at me when I fell down from playing roller blade. There was this one stinky security guard laughed so hard and said ugly things about my bum and I was really annoyed. Fuck him. So I ended up playing roller blade in my own house, leaving scratches on the tile floor but who cares? Okay my mom cared about the scratches but I and my sister did NOT.
My dad would say ugly things about my weight too and I would cry under my pillow. Fell asleep but then forgot about it completely the next day. The worst thing was that my dad kept feeding me with lots of food but then scolded at me at the same time. There. I was trapped in a world of "come-on-let's-eat-this-and-that" and got thrown back into the world of "you're-so-damn-fat-no-boys-like-you-useless-fat-slob" then into the world of "those-sayings-are-just-to-make-you-better". It just kept going full circle.
Well maybe it all make sense when it was for the 12 years old who weighed 66kgs. Yep I was 66 kgs.
Then I started to get obsessed with Backstreet Boys.
I started to watch MTV.
I started to feel envious to the skinny girls shaking their booties on MTV.
I got busy for junior high school things.
I skipped meals.
Then everyone started to say I lost some weight.
I weighed myself and I lost 10 kilos!
There.
It was the point where I got obsessed with my own body weight.
I constantly weighed myself before and after meal. Of course to get depressed after meal.
I didn't remember quite clearly when and why but there were times I really lost the appetite to eat.
I kept losing the weight and some teachers got concerned about it.
I used to be in top 10 in class (in terms of academic, NOT weight!).
But ever since then, I was out.
Apparently not eating food makes people dumber. It's true!
I was dumber.
(Geez, writing this makes me think "was I anorexic at that time? I really didn't have the appetite to eat!")
Then I got sick and hospitalized for a month (not because I was anorexic, but because I was infected with typhus). Everyone in the family protested and forced me to eat. I ate and ate and ate because I was really afraid to die at that time. There was one night where I had this creepy dream that I was dying, surrounded with panic nurses and crying family behind them hoping for me not to die. It was one hell of a dream. So I started to eat normally and got recovered.
I kept struggling with dieting and eating food.
Until now.
I am still obsessed with my own weight. Or maybe worse.
I tried so many kind of diets.
3-day-diet
mayo diet
lemon detox diet
milk shake diet
cabbage soup diet
steamed food diet
grapefruit diet
I even bought the stupid Slimmist which was advertised on Oprah (it's a kind of spray that's believed to have the power to curb your appetite, and an inhaler - each time you feel hungry, just inhale it and the hungry is gone). That didn't work at all!
I thought of smoking cause I heard that smoking makes you look skinner (i know it's muscle but the skinny things intrigued me)
I passed this thought to some friends of mine and I got yelled.
They asked me "Why do you want to smoke?"
I said "Cause I want to look skinny"
Then a friend of mine who also smokes said "Well that's stupid"
I asked him "Why did you start to smoke?"
He replied "Because my friends were smokers and I wanted to socialize"
I was thinking nothing. Blank mind.
Until another friend of mine snapped "You both are stupid".
Thank God for that! We both needed the word "stupid" to shake us out of the "Smoking World"
We were indeed being stupid. Smoking is stoopid.
I know I am not alone in this body weight obsession things. In fact, almost every girl I know has this obsession. The girls who eat and eat but then complain and complain about too much food. I do it all the time too. I shove my mouth with fatty foods one day and jumped on cardio for hours the next day, regretting all the foods I ate the day before. I am really hoping to escape this whole food and dieting things. But how? OKAY I know it's simple. Reduce your calories intake and hit the gym! It's just so hard!
I keep stuffing food to my mouth but I never stop believing that there is a skinny girl inside of me - waiting to come out from the fats.
And I am looking for something to blame it on. Televisions? Advertisings? Internet? Or even my childhood?
...........................................
Or maybe it's just that I am afraid of blaming it on myself.
2 comments:
aduh ce, cece lo ga gemuk sama sekali sekarang ini.. wes nda usa diet2 hehe.. olahraga ae :)
ahahaha iya nihhh cathh.. skrg olahraga2 huhuhu tpi ya apa lek makan > olahraga ckckckck.. gk ngefek ahahahaha :P
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